Reflections

Reflections that I have seen in my life...

Today I feel like the most unfortunate Christian wife, or maybe I’m just misunderstood often. I suffer from ADD/ADHD and I have often heard that I have a hard time focusing. However, today is just out of my reach for me. My husband and I argue frequently (and, I mean, what couple doesn’t). I struggle with having a mate that is disfellowshipped and I try my best to help him but, there are days when I think I do too much. It pains me and my day-to-day strides. Today we had list emergency info and I was listed as the “head of my household” I felt so stupid because I’m a wife and not a head of my household. I feel like so much disposition is on me because of the disorder in my current family arrangement.

Today was hard because I had filled yet another shoe my mother was wearing. She was the head and the mother of my household. I had no father in my life. He was out setting a bad example for us, by not leading a godly father figure following God’s headship. I feel that way with my husband I have to often be the comforter and disciplinary as well. I give hugs, kisses and love, then turn right around and attempt to scold and discipline. It makes me misses her so much. I never understood how she played to role models in my life as a single parent. Thus mothers are supposed to love cherish and console, and fathers are to “lay the law down” (as they say in enforcement). I am yet not a parent but these lessons are being taught through the spiritual discipline that I have received. 2 years have passed and I’m still learning more than ever about my deceased mother than I did when she was alive.

I spent yet another day in tears and pain again. I spent tonight in tears trying to get someone to see the light and that everyone loves them. I saw my teenage self in my mate. My mother spent nights, days and her life trying to get me to see that Jehovah loves me and was just waiting for to rest my chance on him. She poured her heart out for me when I was 17 years old. I threw a tantrum just like my husband did tonight. I, once, said that God didn't love me and I was just sin and I was worthless in His eyes. I have once allowed Satan to use my thoughts and my weaknesses to turn away from Jehovah God, just like Satan did to Eve in the Garden of Eden. So far since moving to Ohio, I have seen a reflection of myself in all that I do going forward. It goes to show that Jehovah is slowly showing his mercy on me. Vengeance is truly Jehovah’s because he is avenging my mother’s pain that I gave her to me, but in a loving way.